It is currently 10:29 p.m. on the ninth day of 2024, and I am sitting at my kitchen table with an empty bowl containing a few left behind grains of rice growing cold and crunchy from being abandoned almost an hour ago. In the past four days, I have woken up by nine, only to lie in my bed for an additional two to three hours, not out of exhaustion, but rather as a means to simply unsubscribe from life for a few more precious moments, because if I am anything, I am an avoider.
…and a quitter.
Oh yes, that is important to mention. I am currently debating adding the title “Grad School Dropout” to my professional resume, along with the several other chapters of my life that ended before they began. My resume could be compared to the junk drawer that we all have in our kitchens… full to the brim of the most random shit that you don’t really need, but you may as well shove em to the side in case one day you find something in there to be useful.
I am confused. I am overwhelmed. I want to quit everything, only to start it all over again. I want to chase my dreams while burning down every single bridge I have crossed thus far, because turns out… I did not like where they took me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and I also want to become so extremely quiet that no-one ever hears from me again. I want to be big and noticeable, and yet I want to blend in seamlessly with the rest of the world.
Needless to say, I do not know what I want. Or maybe I do, but I don’t know how to get there.
Or perhaps the most logical explanation is that I THOUGHT I knew what I wanted, gave it my best shot, and then I changed my fucking mind. How crazy! To be twenty-five and want to try some other things before signing my life away to a title, career, person, ANYTHING!
That is when it dawned on me. This should feel normal! Everyone goes through this, and yet, nobody talks about it! The only people with platforms are the people who figured it all out super young, or at least figured out how to fake it. Where are the hot messes spiraling out of control, regretting every decision they’ve made, and violently fearing that they are running out of time? Where are the fuck ups? Where are the quitters? Where are the drop outs?
I haven’t been able to find them, so I am here to say hello! From one potential dropout, quitter, regretful, confused twenty-something to another, welcome. Whether you are 25, 55, or 105… I hope you will find this sub stack to be a place where you can read the thoughts and stories of my life and experiences as I continue to attempt to figure this shit out… a perhaps impossible feat, but an adventure we will set out on nonetheless.
If there is anything I have learned, it’s to say yes to everything, (generally speaking…) because even if it ends up being absolute trash, it will probably become a really funny story to tell. One thing you should know upfront is I’ll do anything for a good story, and boy do I have some good ones. I hope this becomes a place you can come to for a guaranteed laugh, entertainment, or something to simply relate to.
No matter how old we are, I firmly believe that we will always be confused twenty-somethings at our core… we just slowly learn to embrace it.
To my fellow quitters & slackers, welcome to Grad School Dropout.